whew . . . those last 5 were a doozy and took longer than I would have liked, but . . . I've lost 50 pounds and dropped 4 pant sizes in 11 months! Yay!! :)
Here is my story...if inquiring minds want to know:
I had set a goal to lose weight and learn about nutrition for my Personal Progress project for Knowledge....early in 2009. So this past January, I was looking over my Personal Progress and decided I'd finally give it a real try. I didn't take any measurements or "before" pictures, because . . . well honestly I didn't think I would be successful.
I made a goal to lose 1 pound a week (52 pounds in a year). I started on January 11 and gave myself until November. (I wanted to be done before the holidays if possible.) I wasn't looking for any quick fixes. The only thing I was sure of was that it would take awhile and be a lifestyle change if it was successful. So it needed to be something I could do "forever". (I tend to be dramatic.) I also knew I was fed up (to put it mildly) of trying to find time to squish exercise into our busy lifestyle. I was tired of telling myself that I could lose the weight easily if I could just exercise regularly. And then feel guilty because I wasn't able to maintain an exercise regiment. But I almost always have little kids with me and I had no desire to join a gym with babysitting service.
"So I don't have time to exercise," I told myself. "But I always have time to eat. So I'll just change what I eat." I did a few searches online to research how many calories I should eat a day. It was so discouraging at first. The numbers were different depending on the source. I made an aggressive caloric goal on my own and set to work. I was never full and often a little hungry. I didn't eat what I made my family. I discovered that, while the casseroles I grew up on fed big families economically, they always had either potatoes, rice, or noodles in them. And those had way too many calories for me to eat in the beginning. You see, if I'm only allowed a few calories a day, I've really got to make them count nutritionally. So I made my family the usual, and ate something completely different and less exciting. I was not happy. I remember Anna asking nervously, "How long are you going to be on this diet?" And my abrupt answer, "Forever."
I blogged about an experience in the faculty room. A teacher was eating plain tofu for lunch one day. Her friend made a comment to tease her and she replied, "Well you know how sometimes you eat just for nourishment? Today's one of those days." And I remembered thinking I don't ever eat just for nourishment. I eat because it tastes good. Why would I eat something like tofu just for nourishment. It sounded completely crazy to me. Well a few weeks into my goal I understood completely. I was tired of not being able to eat what I want, so if I couldn't have what I want, it might as well be tofu. It's nourishment. It fits into my calories. Why not? I was bitter.
At about this same time, my dad's health took the inevitable turn for the worse. He passed away on February 8th. As hard as that time was, it also strengthened my will to follow through with my goals in life. To make both my father, and my Father in Heaven proud. I would NOT give up. I knew it would all be worth it.
Ben knew I would need to pair my nutrition efforts with exercise. We decided to use our tax return to buy a treadmill. I walked 20 miles the first week we owned it. I walked for an hour everyday for 10 days straight. Took a day off and felt guilty. Walked everyday. I knew Ben was concerned: seemingly not eating much (I was very careful with the nutritional quality though making sure I had enough low fat protein) and walking for an hour everyday...even Sundays! But bless his heart, he kept his opinions to himself and was very supportive.
And guess what...much to my surprise...it worked. I started losing weight. I was still skeptical and bitter and determined. But it was working! Now it started to feel "worth it". I can do this because it's worth it. I started finding meal options that would provide my petite girls the nutrition that they needed, but that were also a healthy option for me. (But there are still days we eat separate things, because frankly our needs are just different.)
One day, thinking about my dad and how much he loved righteousness, how people in need flocked to his wisdom and easy-going humor, how people who were spiritually strong were also drawn to him, I started to ponder the lessons he tried to teach me. I had a sudden "aha!" moment and it all started to click for me. All my life I've been taught to keep the natural man in check: Use moderation. Let the Spirit guide. Choose the best things for your body. Our bodies are a sacred part of our existence and should be respected. It's all a part of His plan for us; learning to govern our physical bodies helps us also master our spirit. I've abstained from all drugs and alcohol, coffee and tea. I wear modest clothing. I limit my caffeine. I am selective with my movies and other media. I obey the law of chastity. Despite overwhelming pressure from the world and well-meaning friends, I choose the better parts to influence my life. Just like the General Conference talk "Good, Better, Best". I've always done this. Okay, I'm not perfect. But I have obeyed those laws successfully for years. And suddenly I realized that the same skill needed to be fit, is the same as obeying those physical/religious laws. Just because there is all sorts of stuff on the internet does not mean that I should view all the stuff on the internet. I must choose the better part. Just because there is all sorts of stuff on the table to eat does not mean that I should eat all or any of the stuff on the table. I must choose the best for my body and my health. It just makes sense to me now. It was a life-changing self realization.
My appetite has changed. My metabolism has changed. My tastes have changed. I don't exercise as extremely anymore, but I keep exercising. I don't count my calories as strictly, recording them in a notebook, but I keep counting them. I've changed. I hope I never go back. I love feeling healthy. I jogged up the 100 stairs to the waterslides at Six Flags and hardly needed to catch my breath. Teenage boys ran past me, but I kept my steady pace and passed them (while they held their sides panting) on the last two flights. There is no price for that. It has been totally worth it.
I still have so many physical insecurities. My breasts are so much smaller. (I vainly wear a push-up bra. Ok it's not really vanity--necessity. It's a public service.) :) I have extra saggy skin. It is NOT a pretty sight. I still feel fat. Isn't that funny? When I see a photo, I'm like "oh wow I'm so much slimmer." But in the mirror, my body looks exactly the same. Weird, huh? But it's funny to be aware of all the changes. My fingers are skinny. When people hug me, their arms go all the way around past my armpits. I'm too far away from the steering wheel all of a sudden. My knees feel bony when I'm sleeping on my side. It's surreal. There are other things I've noticed about my health. And I never thought I was fat and unhealthy. But while I was doing "good", I wasn't making the "best" choices. Now that I know what I could be, I don't ever want to be anything less.
One thing I was not prepared for was people asking questions and looking for inspiration. I don't want to be that person. I can't motivate others to do this. It is so personal/individual. I know what it's like to try and not have complete success. I know what it feels like to think you'll always be that weight. I don't know what changed for me...I just know that I changed. And I don't want people to treat me differently. My colleagues watch me soo closely (too close for my comfort) in the faculty lounge during lunch and often ask me what I'm going to have for dinner. I had to convince my visiting teachers that is was still okay to bring me treats and candy. :) No one needs to feel ackward. And sadly, sometimes I feel tension with people because of my success. But I suppose it can't be helped. I've responded in those same ways in the past.
So I'm still adjusting to this great change, but overall I'm celebrating. I'm thrilled, proud, and addicted to being fit and strong.
(On a side note, I've also reached my goal of attending the temple every month this year. That's for you, Dad.)
