New Start

Okay. I'm tired of wearing my heart on my sleeve so I'm just typing a new post.
This is our first weekend home in about a month. It feels good. We ordered pizza tonight, and I did so good with my calories today I could've eaten 3 pieces! But, of course, I didn't. I also rented a couple of movies. I haven't rented a movie in about 8 months! woohoo! ;-) I shadowed my teacher friend, Amy, this week. I will be teaching her 3rd graders when she goes on maternity leave in 2 weeks. I will be their teacher for the remainder of the year. That will be fun (I think I'll like 3rd grade curriculum) and much better pay. We could use that. I am also studying for a Praxis exam in April which will give me certification to teach from birth through 3rd grade (if I pass it) in addition to my ElEd certification. And I'm looking forward to going back to our Ward and my little nursery friends at church. We have all kinds of good things happening that we can focus on. So I better get off this computer and watch that movie with my sweetie. See ya! :-p

Honoring Dad

Dad often said, "Once a Marine, always a Marine."Semper Fidelis! . . .

. . . "always faithful."

"Brightly beams our Father's mercy from his lighthouse evermore, but to us he gives the keeping of the lights along the shore.

Let the lower lights be burning; send a gleam across the wave. Some poor fainting, struggling seaman you may rescue, you may save.

Trim your feeble lamp, my brother; some poor sailor, tempest-tossed, trying now to make the harbor, in the darkness may be lost.

Let the lower lights be burning; send a gleam across the wave. Some poor fainting, struggling seaman you may rescue, you may save."
Hymn #335

My dad followed our Father's lighthouse and let his light burn for those struggling along the shore. Even in his last week of life, he gave priesthood blessings to branch members, shared much needed messages from Heavenly Father, and taught us the importance of eternities through temple service. He rescued many "fainting, struggling seaman" and continues to save me. I have a new, stronger commitment to honor both my father and my Father in Heaven.

Theo Dewayne Hamblin 12/16/37-2/8/10

My dad passed away tonight at 8:20 pm. Here is his favorite poem about death:

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side, spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts for the blue ocean.

She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone." Gone where? Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast, hull and spar as she was when she left my side. And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port. Her diminished size is in me -- not in her.

And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone," there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!" And that is dying.

~Henry Van Eyck

Early Morning Thoughts

My dad's sister is two years older than him and just arrived with her husband and youngest daughter. Sitting on my dad's bedside, holding his hand, my dad says, "I can't believe it. I just can't believe I'm going to see mom and dad soon." Aunt Donna says (and I wish you could hear her tone--disappointed, I suppose), "I know. . . . You just have to rub it in; you'll get there before me." Everyone laughs loudly and the conversation continues on the serious topic but with a calm and natural air that includes the humor we all share. I smirk as I listen, shaking my head, thinking, "always sibling rivalry--even in death." And that's a comforting thought because it means nothing changes.

I'm glad I'm here for moments like these. And oh the reminiscing! I never thought I would laugh so hard at my father's death bed. Last night Ben and I were laying in bed and he says, "there are a lot of funny stories here." "Yes," I said emphatically, "There are!" Like Jeff's story of a fight he had with Becky that involved a pitcher of water and him on a toilet. LOL :-D Thanks for sharing that one! It made Dad's laugh shake the water bed, that deep silent chuckle. He's checking his messages frequently everyone. He was flipping out and had us all looking for his glasses because he had received a text. And when he is too weak, we read them to him. He checks facebook easily on his iPhone and even asked us how to reply to messages on his wall. He likes to read them and being surrounded by his extended family is making him stronger. Not physically stronger, not really. But spiritually and emotionally stronger, which does affect his energy and skin tone.

He was feeling good and said yesterday, "I can't believe I'm going to die." I smiled . . . and thought about the help he needs to sit up, or the way he gets winded rolling over to take a sip of soda (the one I didn't spill ;-). Or the way his body looks older because of the dramatic weight loss. He felt good enough to eat dinner in the kitchen, but had to be wheeled to the kitchen after getting help into his wheel chair. Sitting there across from him at the dinner table, I thought, "he looks like Grandpa Mackley." And I knew. So keep the messages coming. They strengthen him a lot. He doesn't understand what's happening, really. He knows this is the end, but he doesn't understand the effects on his body. He just knows love. And he needs lots of it. And love is what he feels from his big sister as she banters with him. And love is what he feels as his mom and dad prepare for him. And love is what he will feel when they embrace him. And love is what we'll feel as we let him go. Such overwhelming love.

Dad: A Photo Journal

"How beautiful is that home where lives a man of godly manner, who loves those for whose nurture he is responsible, who stands before them as an example of integrity and goodness, who teaches industry and loyalty, not spoiling his children by indulging their every wish, but rather setting before them a pattern of work and service which will underpin their lives forever."

--Gordon B. Hinckley

2 Quilts Later

Ben gave me a sewing maching for Christmas! I was a little afraid of it at first, but determined to put it to use. So the easiest project to start with . . . a blanket. Ben bought fabric for a blanket that he thought Daila would like. He bought it after I had sewed (with a little help from my mom) a flannel blanket for Daila for preschool. I tried to do it in the same way as my first blanket, but one fabric was flannel and one was a silky . . . something. But it turned out alright. Not my best work, but hey . . . it was my first independent project.

Well I've just finished my second independent project (even though it was the first project I started). I tied a new quilt for Ben for his birthday. I just sewed up the edge today. Better. Still not there yet. But I'm learning so much.

I guess I'll start on a quilt for Janae. Her blanket is getting pretty old. It will give me a chance to put what I've learned to the test. And if it's not perfect . . . we'll try another quilt for Anna. LOL

You may think I'm crazy, but its the easiest way I know to learn how to sew. And the cool thing about getting a new sewing machine is that it came with two DVDs! How cool is that?! So I've got some tutorials to watch and I'll be hemming denim and making skirts in no time. And one day . . . as Ben is eager to inform me . . . I will have 3 wedding dresses to sew. (Mother help me . . . literally.) haha . . . my mom is an amazing seamstress. Pretty stressed out at the moment, but amazing. So I told her that when the girls turn 16ish, we had to start sewing their wedding dresses. They would be old enough to know their style and be close to their adult size and that might . . . MIGHT . . . give me and my mom enough time to learn/teach/sew a wedding gown.

Anyway . . . I'm excited to be sewing. Discouraged by the imperfections but encouraged by the lessons I'm learning through experience. Wish me luck! :)

Tofu

I never thought I would be one of those girls who counted every calorie . . . but I've been doing just that for nearly two weeks now. And you know what? . . . it's not all that bad. I'm grateful for everything I've learned. This experience has helped me learn more about food, myself, and my habits.

But this isn't a post motivated by success and happiness. *dun dun duuun* I am sooo frustrated. And I'm tired of feeling hungry. I think I have some emotional ties to food. So it's weird working those out of my system too. Basically, the way I'm feeling now is if I can't eat what I want, then it doesn't matter what I eat (as long as it fits within my calorie allotment). And it's easier to eat that way, really, because as soon as I "splurge", my body says "hey that was really good. I remember that stuff and I want more of it." Then it's harder to go back. So I'm through with splurges. (We had company over for dinner, so I saved up calories so I could eat what everyone else was having. Turned out that wasn't such a good idea.)

I remember overhearing a teacher in the lounge at lunch one day. Her friends made some comments to her about her lunch because she was having plain tofu. And she said, "Well sometimes you just eat for nourishment and this is one of those days." I remember thinking, "I never eat just for nourishment; I want to enjoy my meal. It should taste good. I could never do that." Well I'm on the verge of becoming the tofu girl. If I can't have what I want, and what sounds good to me at that moment, then it might as well be tofu. You think I'm being sarcastic or catty? You think I'm bluffing? Try me. Apparently I have two settings: care too much about food or couldn't care less.

But I'm not happy, Bob. Not happy. I sure could use some words of support. Or even a few recipes (400 calories or less). We had baked catfish tonight; only 145 calories per serving. It was tasty. I guess I'm just missing some of my old foods. More than anything, I'm missing some of that freedom. Want a bagel? Eat a bagel. Want some peanut butter? Eat some peanut butter. Well I'm not getting any younger. So it's about time I take control of my health and lose some weight. That's something I sure won't miss.

Life is about choices. I wish it was easier to make the right choices. *sigh* But I also know that making that right choices makes me stronger. So. I WILL make the right choices about my health and I'm determined not to give up. Even if that means only eating tofu. Bring it on.